Balance, Pacing, PTSD...and a schedule

The current theme in my life...Balance and Pacing...

oh, how I have struggled with balance

As with all lessons in life, this one comes as a startling reminder that I have much to learn about myself. The way I have lived my life is not creating the most optimal me. I feel like I have given the universe a big blank cheque to overhaul the Paula Timm I once knew.

As with all life lessons, there is a start, the day we realize we need a change. If you have followed my life, this blog, or my Facebook posts, you may already know the answer to this question. It was the day I woke up in ICU, this life-altering day commenced with my death during surgery whilst removing my colon in exchange for an ostomy. I knew that this was my last chance to get 'it' right. I knew Balance and Pacing were paramount characters in getting it right, and since the surgery I have tried to get it right on my own.

The latest life lesson nudge came from my Gastroentrologist, great doctor and really great guy. In short, he asked me to consider therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to help me make rational decisions around my medical care. I wasn't shocked or upset; rather I knew I was ready to seek help. I could only avoid the obvious for so long, 2.5 years to be exact.

The funny part of this story is the first doctor I sought out at Alberta Mental Health Services told me what I wanted to hear,

Doctor: “You don't have PTSD”

Me: "PERFECT! I am good, no other work required, move along..."

that moment when you realize it's you.

Not so fast, sly guy, the doctor referred to me to the other therapists within the clinic. What one therapist doesn't see as textbook PTSD is another’s definition of PTSD. I now have a Social Worker, an Occupational Therapist, and a Dietitian. And as a team, we are working together to bring balance, pacing, personal goals, emotional management and health into my life. I may not need medication to help my PTSD but I do need help to regulate decision-making and emotional responses.

Until now I have limped along with this complex web of PTSD, bad habits, irregular energy, emotional outbursts, and sickness. In mathematical terms it could be written as below formula:

I do too much = crash (get sick, meltdown, freak out)

convalesce (heal, shutdown, sleep)

The new approach is mindful and balanced to create good habits, goals, and decisions. Here is a snapshot of the thought process:

First step, Notice: 

what are my responsibilities? when do I eat? when do I cook/clean/shop/paint?  etc....

Second step, Define: 

what do I want/need to do? art career, appointments, social time, exercise, household/food and rest

Third step, Schedule:

make time for all the parts, make a calendar, set reminders

Fourth step, Notice:

what is working in the new schedule? where do I break the rules? how do I respond?

Fifth step, Integrate:

change the program, journal progress, add or delete tasks or time allotment 

within structure there is freedom

I now have a schedule that tells me where to fit in my activities and rest. This wisdom allows me freedom in my activities and my thoughts. 
For example; 
if I have a 'home day', I can bake or meal-plan. 
if I have an 'out day', then I plan appointments and have a meal preplanned for that day. 
if the unexpected happens, I know what activity has been sacrificed and I can reschedule the displaced activity. 

Most importantly, if I am doing too much and I get tired, I can alter the schedule so that I don't repeat the intensity again.

I try not to take life too seriously..but there is wisdom in zen

It might seem a leap, PTSD symptoms, create a schedule and acquire pacing and balance in my life. Can it be that easy? Maybe. I feel calmer allowing me to focus on the present. Perhaps proper pacing allows a mindfulness of my thoughts, a slowing of the fast whirring thoughts of doubts and fears. Perhaps pacing creates time and space to reflect and to make wise decisions. 

I chose to share this intimate part of my life because so many people don't know where to turn or are afraid of the stigma of mental health and therapy.  Like I suggested earlier, I feel like I have written a blank cheque to overhaul my life for the better, I couldn't be happier with my future and my present. And for the first time, I no longer fear taking on my dreams, as it is no longer at the cost of my health, both mental and physical.

What an amazing gift to have the support and guidance of these therapists whilst I learn Pacing and Balance.

Social Entreprise...or just good for your soul?

Definition of Social Enterprise from Wiki...A social enterprise is an organization that applies commercial strategies to maximize improvements in human and environmental well-being, rather than maximizing profits for external shareholders....

Simply described it is good business with good people who have big passions, which benefit many.


There is no time like the present for change that inspires, it seems whomever you talk with these days is asking for more. We are complaining of a lack of drive to get up in the morning and wondering if there isn't more to life?

The easy answer is YES there is more to life.

The HARD part is allowing your heart to show you the way. I think we all know what our gifts are, what we're passionate about, what moves us, and what pulls on our heartstrings. The difficult part is allowing our ego to speak it, allowing our most trusted friends to hear it, and the permission to do 'it'. However if you are reading this and thinking, "No, I don't know what my gifts are... and that is my problem!" Then ask yourself the following questions. What stirs your heart when you are watching a movie? What tears you up during a conversation? What makes you angry or righteous when you hear of a wrongdoing? These are usually good 'heart hints' on where to start looking for your gifts and talents. Check out Laura Berman Fortgang's article for more on the Top Ten Ways to Discover Your Unique Gifts.

Ipad drawing by Paula Timm

Ultimately, baby steps are the answer to making a complete life change. For many the problem is getting out of bed and going to the soul-sucking job that provides food for a family of five. So making a huge change seems more risky and more selfish than humanly possible. That is where the baby steps come in, taking incremental steps to bring these gifts into your daily practice. Perhaps it is organizing a team-building event that involves your gift/talent. A family meeting where you inspire projects that helps your children look within for their gift. Get together with close friends where you brainstorm on each other’s talents with and set goals. These small actions with co-workers, family and friends will inevitably be contagious all the while they are refueling your soul, and fostering bigger change for all involved.

Feeling overwhelmed yet? Well don’t, because it doesn't always have to be about the BIG stuff. I think many of the heartwarming success stories start from a small seed, that grew because it was nurtured, and as it grew it was so inspiring to others to see the growth that they couldn't help but support it and be inspired by it. So just do one small thing each day to reinforce your vital connection to this world, to remind yourself that there is more and that you can connect to it. Small stuff can look like opening a door for someone in need, being present in a difficult conversation, making eye contact, smiling to a stranger.

Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past decade studying people and their life stories. Through thousands of interviews, she has found that when “you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief”. 

Brené has an amazing way with words, she says, '...vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure'. She goes on to say 'that our culture has taught us to avoid discomfort and our inability to experience it limits the fullness of life’s uncertainties- love, belonging, trust, joy and creativity'. Brené's research underscores the importance of finding our authentic gifts and living a vulnerable existence.

I learned the importance of Brené's work the hard way; I lived my life staying safe and avoiding discomfort, when one day I awoke in ICU. All I knew was that I needed to change everything in my life and be happier. It took a while but when I started I knew I had to declare my secret gift. I am an artist. Next, to share that gift - I exhibit my work. Then, spread the enthusiasm - I teach art.  Nearly three years since that day when everything changed, I choose to live in a bit of discomfort by embracing my vulnerabilities to get to my authentic self and bask in the feeling of connection. 

When you are clear with your self, you speak your heart, you speak your desire, and you speak the intention for your future. Nothing can get in your way, it's infectious, people resonate with you, people want you to succeed, and you become the SOCIAL ENTERPRISE. Make the investment, this is a high-risk portfolio, this is your life, and this is what your kids and the new generations are learning to repeat.